English - insanity personified

Let’s face it –English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French
fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which
aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers
don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is
teeth, why isn’t the plural of both beeth? One goose, 2 geese.
So one loose tooth, 2 leese teeth? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one
amend, If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all
but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preacher praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a
letter, perhaps you bite your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to
an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send
cargo or a truck by ship? Have noses that run and feet that
smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? Lift a thumb to
thumb a lift? Table a plan in order to plan a table?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can a
person be “pretty ugly?”

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which
your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a
form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by
going on. Why is “crazy man” an insult, while to insert a comma
and say “crazy, man!” is a compliment (as when applauding a music
performance.)

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects
the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a
race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are
visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And
why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this
essay, I end it.